Emotional abuse, financial abuse, reproductive coercion are all invisible. As are their aftermath. Look through the following pictures and you will see no bruises. You will read about what is significant about each picture and how it fits into the timeline of abuse. To the outsider, they are just a selection of pictures of me, nothing extraordinary about them, but each one is part of the puzzle that finally fitted together when I realised all the years that I had been subjected to the abuse.
Putting together this timeline has been an eye opener. Writing a few words for each picture took me back to the time they were taken. I am still being reminded of events of the past that do fit the definition of abuse, although of course at the time I had no idea I was being abused. Looking at me, you wouldn’t think I was being abused, or now in the later pictures, recovering from the abuse.
What I hope this timeline demonstrates is the invisibility of abuse. You can walk past anyone at any time and you will have no idea that they are being abused. Likewise, you can go to their house and the abuser will put on the perfect partner act. The victim will go along with it because they are concerned if they don’t, the abuse will get worse. All of this is invisible, not only to others, but like me, to the victim!
1993
1994
1995
1988
1988
1989
1989
1990 – Wedding Day
1990 – Honeymoon
End of 1990
1992
1993
1994
1995
1988
1988
1989
1995
Between the Arizona visit and the end of December 1995, the company my husband worked for went through a lot of changes. Redundancy loomed on a daily basis. The company had an American subsidiary who oversaw the UK engineers’ visits. During the Arizona trip, there were hints that if my husband wanted to go and work for them, they were happy to facilitate a company transfer. Given the choice, between the threat of redundancy in the UK and a job in the USA, he took the job in the USA. A new chapter in our lives began. I was more than happy to leave the UK as I thought it would provide us with the chance to build our lives, just the four of us and our cat Tinker, pictured. It did, but not in the way I thought it would.
1988
This was taken on the night shortly before my future husband asked me out on a date. My plans at that time revolved around saving up to go to Australia. When he asked me out, I didn’t take it that seriously. After all, I thought what harm could it do to my long term plans? A lot as it turned out. That one evening out turned into several more, finally leading to me abandoning my goal of travelling to Australia. Instead, I ended up moving in with my then boyfriend.
1988
This was taken during my first visit to his parents. By that stage, the relationship was becoming serious, but as I now know the abuse had already started. The best part about this picture is that I still have the sweater and it still fits.
1989
The first proper vacation we went on. By now, we were engaged and living together. Shortly after this picture was taken, we went out for dinner and I ended up with what was possibly food poisoning. Our return home was delayed by a day. Upon our arrival back home my future husband re-packed his bags as he was due to go away on secondment for three months, the following morning. I was ill for several months and having to take quite a bit of time off from work. I received no sympathy from my future husband. I justified his behaviour because he was away from home and there was the pressure of the wedding.
1989
This was taken at my parents. I was struggling with the effects of the food poisoning. Due to the amount of weight I had lost, even though it was a warm day, I was so cold. My weight continued to drop to point where my Aunt, who was making my wedding dress, refused to alter it any further.
1990 – Wedding Day
Who would have thought looking at me I was in an abusive relationship? I didn’t know his actions were abusive and were about to become a whole lot worse. Within a few weeks of this photo, I was pregnant with my eldest son.
1990 – Honeymoon
Windswept and cold and not in the mood to have my picture taken. I was also struggling with motion sickness at this time. There were some good moments during the visit, but alas they were not photographed. Ireland is a place I would love to visit again, only this time in summer.
End of 1990
I was now a mum. My elder son was born at the end of November. We had spent Christmas with my in-laws and went to my parents for New Year. This picture was taken at the very end of December. What is astounding is that there are no pictures of any kind from the end of January to the end of November when my son was born. The two patient animals are Kiwi, the cat and Tui the dog. I was eating something, but try as I might I can’t think of what, but whatever it was they were wanting me to share it with them.
1992
It doesn’t hurt to clown around sometimes. A year later we had moved house, my younger son was born and we had a cat. It seems so long ago, yet looking at the picture it seems like it was only yesterday.
1993
My husband decided that we should have a family picture taken and have copies made for Christmas presents. We were by then, a family of four. During the photo shoot, the photographer suggested I might like to have my picture taken separately. Much to my amazement, my husband agreed to me having my picture taken without the boys or him. For someone who doesn’t like their picture being taken, I must admit I did enjoy the experience. I was for a time me, not wife, not mum, just me.
1994
Our marriage was in trouble in 1994. It was the first time that I acknowledged there was a problem, but had no idea of what to do. My husband’s job was taking him to Arizona for a month. It was a place I had always wanted to visit. I came up with a plan that allowed me to go with him. I suggested my husband pretended it was a surprise trip for me. This played into my husband’s ego. As I would learn, he liked nothing better than to play the big man who looked after his little woman. Neither set of grandparents could care for the boys for the entire two weeks, so they spent the first part with my in-laws and the second part with my parents. I did enjoy the visit. Even though my husband was working during the week, we did go out of an evening and at the weekends. The picture is taken at the Grand Canyon. I believed my marriage had been reset during this trip. Little did I know this was all part of how he was controlling me. How could I leave such a wonderful man who took me to Arizona?
1995
Between the Arizona visit and the end of December 1995, the company my husband worked for went through a lot of changes. Redundancy loomed on a daily basis. The company had an American subsidiary who oversaw the UK engineers’ visits. During the Arizona trip, there were hints that if my husband wanted to go and work for them, they were happy to facilitate a company transfer. Given the choice, between the threat of redundancy in the UK and a job in the USA, he took the job in the USA. A new chapter in our lives began. I was more than happy to leave the UK as I thought it would provide us with the chance to build our lives, just the four of us and our cat Tinker, pictured. It did, but not in the way I thought it would.
1988
This was taken on the night shortly before my future husband asked me out on a date. My plans at that time revolved around saving up to go to Australia. When he asked me out, I didn’t take it that seriously. After all, I thought what harm could it do to my long term plans? A lot as it turned out. That one evening out turned into several more, finally leading to me abandoning my goal of travelling to Australia. Instead, I ended up moving in with my then boyfriend.
1993 
1994 
1995 
1988 
1988 
1989 
1989 
1990 – Wedding Day 
1990 – Honeymoon 
End of 1990 
1992