Do they use your past against you and even weaponise it?
In those early days of getting to know one another, I told him a couple of things about my past. Little did I know that as time went on he would use those incidents against me.
Do they see you as an extension of themselves as opposed to seeing you as a person in your own right?
It wasn’t only me I now know he saw as an extension of himself, but the boys as well. I encouraged the boys to develop their own interests and views. He expected them to be like him. This included us all liking the same food, music, movies, clothing and TV programs. Dissent about any of them wasn’t tolerated.
Do they show a “Jekyll and Hyde temperament, one moment having fun, the next moment shouting at you for no reason?
He wasn’t one for shouting, but his temperament could change depending upon the circumstances. If there were people around, including his family, then he was the devoted husband. Behind closed doors, he was the opposite. This again came out more and more in those last years and did contribute to me slowly starting to see his true personality. However I explained it all away.
Do they make jokes at your expense?
Unfortunately my entire marriage was a joke at his expense. He even used to make jokes about how he didn’t want to live into his sixties and then pretend he was joking.
Do they monitor you internet usage including what websites you are looking at?
When we first met, internet usage wasn’t wide spread so wasn’t an issue. It was only when we moved to the USA that we went on the internet. I was naive; I had no idea how to clear my browsing history so he could see what I was looking at. It was only in the last few years when we were back in the UK that I learned how to clear my browsing history. This wasn’t because I thought he was monitoring my history, it was because of his snide comments about anything I looked at that he didn’t approve of.
Do they want access to your email and mobile and check to see who you are in contact with?
He told me if anything happened to me, he would need access to my email and mobile. It sounded as with all his requests, very reasonable. You don’t expect it could be used to check up on you.
Do they prevent you from seeing your friends, or making new friends?
Moving a lot is one way to make it difficult for friendships to be kept. Then there is quilt tripping. His version was to be upset that I wanted to spend time with other people rather than him. After all, his job did take him away so much. Living under the constant threat of moving makes it hard to make new friends, what is the point when you will be moving again!!!
Do they threaten to leave you and take your children?
He never implicitly said anything about leaving me and taking the boys. Even though I hadn’t realised he was abusing me when they were little, I knew I would have a fight on my hands if I had left with them. The threat doesn’t need to be said, but you know it is there.
Do they threaten your pets?
When we lived in the UK, our cat was an indoor-outdoor cat; in at night, out in the day. He would threaten to leave her out at night if she didn’t come in. Where we were living was relatively safe for cats to roam, but I didn’t like the idea of her being left out at night so made a point of keeping her in when she came in the house in the afternoon.
It was during our time in Oregon that his nastiness towards animals did come out. By then, we had both cats and kept them inside. If they displeased him, he would threaten to kick them both out and let the cougars that roamed around the area eat them.
Do they walk out if they are not getting their way in a discussion or argument and make you believe they are not coming back?
Many a time he would walk out, usually late at night, often going for a bike ride. I never did know if he would come back or if something would happen to him. This was before the days of mobile phones and pagers. I did mention this a couple of times, but this was dismissed as him wanting some time to himself. He had me worried each time he did this which was his goal.
During our time in the USA, there were many occasions when I did wonder if on one of his trips away on business, he would simply book a flight back to the UK. Likewise, when he had gone training courses back to the UK, it did concern me if he would return. When I mentioned this to the boys, as I was facing the truth about what he was like, both were in agreement that should their father have returned to the UK or refused to return to the US, his parents would have made him return. In the boys’ view, it was his parents that prevented him from returning to UK.
Do they threaten to commit suicide if you leave them?
One night, he had come back from a week away on business. He couldn’t sleep and went downstairs. After a while I went down to see if he was OK. I was told to go and wake the boys, put them in the car because he was going to find a cliff and drive us all off it. I ignored him and we never mentioned it again. With him, it was all or nothing.
Do they have friends of the opposite sex, but don’t like it if you do?
When we met, he had a woman friend. It didn’t bother me at all as I had male friends. Over the years he did have woman friends. He didn’t like them nor did he like the men I worked with.
Do they gaslight you? That is they deny something you know is true and you end up questioning your own memory and sanity.
It wasn’t so much he gaslighted me, but more of me gaslighting myself into believing I had a good marriage. That isn’t to say he didn’t subtly assist me along the way.
Do you believe it is your responsibility to keep them happy otherwise they will harm you?
It was part of my “duties” to keep him happy, just like the cooking and cleaning. It never dawned on me that he was using this to keep me in his control. If he wasn’t happy, then all we would hear about was how he hated his job, how he was going to quit. How he wanted to move, he wanted a new car, he wanted lots of things. Rather than happy, the word ought to be distracted. If I kept him distracted then he would think of ways to blame me or the boys for his perceived unhappiness.
Keeping him “happy” was a full time occupation. What made him happy one day would make him angry the next. One time he was talking about homemade cheesecake and how it would be good to have some. I checked the food budget and bought the ingredients for a cheesecake. When it was served he wanted to know why I had made it. By the time it was eaten the boys and I never wanted to see or taste a piece of cheesecake for a very long time.
Do you take the blame for things that you haven’t done before they blame you?
It is only looking back that I now see how much I took the blame for things that I hadn’t done. “It is my fault” was one of those stock phrases I said. “If I hadn’t have done…… then this wouldn’t have happened” In those last years, I was even taking the blame for software errors on the computer, which I had absolutely no control over.
Have they isolated you?
There were ways he did isolate me, one being how deliberately embarrassing he could be to people that I knew (see 48). However, it is the long term effects of being isolated that I am still dealing with. For someone who travelled to both Canada and New Zealand and was able to make friends in both countries; this is apart from when I was working in this country, since I have been widowed and dealing with the abuse inflicted upon me by my husband, I have found it difficult to start to make new friends in person.
Have they forced you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable or is illegal?
I am ashamed to say yes he forced me into many things that made feel uncomfortable. One example of this was pretending that we still owned our house in Oregon long after it had been sold. The boys were also dragged into this lie and they too were uncomfortable pretending their parents still owned the house.
Have they turned others against you?
His family have changed towards me since he died. This has been more obvious since my younger son and I moved to the same area where they are living. My elder son was already living in the area, as he had moved to live with his grandparents so he could go to college. He then decided to go to one of the local universities. Around this time my landlord planned to sell the house we were living in so I had to find somewhere else to live. I made the decision to move back to the area that I swore I would never return to, the reason being that my son lived there and, as at the time I hadn’t yet confronted the whole truth about my husband, I thought it would be good to be in an area where I actually knew some people. Not once since we moved have I actually seen any member of my husband’s family. Maybe it is a good thing because I am not sure if I still had been in contact with them I would have fully faced how much abuse my husband had subjected me to.
Have they shared personal information about you with others?
This is one I can’t prove, but I do know he did talk to his father a lot (I had no problem with him spending time or talking to his father). What I do suspect is that he could spin the truth to fit his audience. His father helped him out financially and although I can’t prove it, I suspect I was the villain when he went and asked his father for money. The truth was he believed it was owed him.
Have they made you feel sorry for them by telling you stories of their past relationships or how they have been treated by their parents?
He told me the story of his past and I felt so sorry for him I would have done anything in the world to have made it better. This included how he had been treated by both his mother and his former girlfriend. The truth, as I discovered far too late, was the opposite.
If you are unwell whether physically or mentally do they expect you to carry on as normal?
There was one obvious rule in the house, there was only one person allowed to be unwell and that was him. Foolishly, I ignored the warning signs that were there before we were married when I had food poisoning (see 3). There was the time in the USA when I dislocated my kneecap and was on crutches. He was due to go back to the UK on a training course and insisted on going. I had to be off crutches by the time he came back a month later.
Regarding mental health issues, they didn’t exist in his eyes. Over a period of time, I developed panic attacks. The boys saw them and for a lot of the time, I kept them hidden from my husband. The way I dealt with them was to go to a quiet place, usually the bedroom and slowly I would regain control. When my husband was around I had to ignore the panic attack and keep going. I remember one time he and I had gone out for a walk before dinner. Something triggered an attack and I needed to control it, deep breaths and walking slowly would have helped. He knew what was happening and deliberately upped his pace forcing me to almost run to keep up with him. For the rest of the walk, he made remarks about how slow I was. By the time we arrived back at the house, I was sweating, my heart had been racing for at least twenty minutes and I could hardly breathe. Despite all of this, he wanted his dinner and I had to finish preparing and serve it!
No matter what you do are you always in the wrong?
It was probably always like that, but in the last years it was obvious. He didn’t hide his view that whatever I did was always going to be wrong. This could be the way I did the ironing, the way I cooked food to what views I had. He was blaming me for supporting him during a rough period at work.
When out in public do they deliberately embarrass you?
Imagine this scenario you have met one of your neighbours and often see her when you are out walking. You stop and chat and over time you get to know her quite well. Back at home you share with your partner that you have met one of the neighbours and talk quite innocently about what you have talked about. This includes the information that the neighbour goes to church. One day you are out with your partner and you meet your neighbour. You introduce your partner to her. During the conversation your partner manages to slip into the conversation a snide comment about religion. From that moment on, if they have the opportunity to say something derogatory about religion to the neighbour, they do.
This is what happened to me. Each time I wished the ground would open up and swallow me. I was so embarrassed. What is so surprising is that this neighbour was so supportive of me when my husband died. I am thankful she could look beyond what he had said to her.
When they apologise does it sound more like a non-apology?
I am not sure he knew how to apologise because he never once apologised to me.
When you are on your own do feel happier than when they are there?
In those last few years before he died, yes I did feel happier than when he was at home. I didn’t understand why. My life did revolve around his calls, but there were times during the day when I had moments of peace and quiet. The best time was having the bed to myself, I was able to get some sleep without his snoring. I did have regrets that I should have made more of an issue about his snoring as it was, a major sign that his heart was failing. All I saw or rather heard was a very loud annoyance designed to prevent me from sleeping.
As I look back I see even more clearly just how abusive he was. It was, I admit mentally tough writing the examples, but has been a worthwhile exercise. A cleansing if you like and if I am honest, I could write many more.