‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’ According to the website phrases.org.uk the origins of this saying go back to 1862 if not earlier. It implies that someone may be able to physically hurt you; they won’t be able to hurt you with words. Whilst this is often true in many circumstances, it certainly isn’t true in an abusive relationship.
My abuser, my husband never hit me, he was too clever for that. If he had done so, I would have somehow found the strength to leave him. But instead he used words sometimes alongside actions. Take for example when he phoned me when he was away on business and I said something that upset him, he would hang-up, leaving me panicking about what I had done to make him do so. What had I said? I would then phone his mobile, he ignored me. There were times when he was visiting a customer in the UK and I had the number of the hotel, I’d phone the hotel and ask to be put through to his room. I eventually learned this wasn’t a good idea. He would answer the phone, but was irritated that I had phoned him and made his displeasure known.
He had a way of undermining my confidence. I thought I was a good cook, but he found fault with everything from the way I peeled potatoes to how I baked a cake. There is nothing more soul destroying than hearing the words
“My mum didn’t do it like that”
That phrase could be applied to most things domestic around the house. Over the years I was criticised for the way I did the ironing, how I made a cup of tea, cleaned the bathroom, loaded the washing machine and made the bed. The list is endless.
Then there was the way I dressed or had my hair. When we first met I spent most of my time in business clothing, my hair was longish, I wore quite a lot of make-up and was in high heeled shoes. After work and at weekends I was a lot more casual, but still wore make-up. When I had the children and stopped paid work, my style relaxed. Not having my own money I couldn’t just go out and buy a new dress or a pair of shoes. As I soon learned, I had to check with my husband first. The only time I could do this was when I received some birthday or Christmas money from my in-laws, but given on many occasions the perilous state of our finances I always checked to see if the money was needed for bills or items for the boys before I spent any of it on myself.
I missed wearing smart clothing, high heeled shoes and make-up. My two weaknesses are earrings and nail polish. Somehow I managed to avoid his criticism over them both. Everything else was fair game. My hair was a particular target. One moment he liked me having it long, the next, short. My natural colour is a dark mucky blonde, which I didn’t like, so I used to dye it various shades of blonde. I never got that right either and he always found something nasty to say about both the style and the colour. Even when he encouraged me to go to a hairdresser he never had a good word to say about what I’d had done. In the end I stopped even bothering to go to a hairdresser, let my hair grow and leave it as its natural colour. That was wrong as well.
At the beginning of our relationship he didn’t have a problem with me wearing high heels. However over the years he made comments about how they made me the same height as him. I seriously believe he had height issues as he didn’t like it when both the boys overtook him in height. My days of wearing high heels came to an abrupt end the day I badly dislocated my kneecap. No more the towering 4 – 5 inch heels, just flats, I mourned, he cheered.
He criticised my choice of music, I like softer romantic music whether it be vocal or orchestral. He didn’t, when he was at home we only listened to his music. It wasn’t just my music choices that he commented on; it was also the music the boys liked and listened to that he disapproved of by making sarcastic remarks when they were playing it.
When it came to movies and TV programs, once again it was his choice. For example, I am not a fan of science fiction in any form. In his eyes this was a failure on my part as he loved all things sci-fi. Over the years I did watch sci-fi, often having to close my eyes at certain scenes. That led to me being endlessly mocked.
My views about everything were silenced. I went from someone who had her own political views to someone who kept her mouth shut and nodded in agreement with his. This was also the case with everything from countries that I liked, which of the four seasons was the best right through to bedding. No opinion or like or dislike of mine was safe from his sarcasm, his scorn.
Sticks and stones do break bones and words do hurt. You just can’t see the damage that words do to a person. They destroyed me. I went from someone who travelled around the world, made friends easily to someone who is afraid of her own shadow. I don’t trust anyone, including myself; I avoid confrontation at all cost and spend my time wondering when the next disaster is going to happen. Forget the glass half full, or half empty, in my mind my glass is empty. This is how destructive the power of words can be.